Sunday, December 10, 2006


Does God vote Liberal Democrat?

This weekend’s Focus deliveries have been spoiled somewhat by the inclement weather. Delivering in torrents of rain reduces even the hardiest of Focuses to pulp, and that was the basic scene this weekend. A number of local residents will havbe received pictures of me and Cllr O’Hanlon in various states of mush.

All of which makes me wonder, why does God permit such weather-related mishaps to occur to us? We’re only out spreading the good word. Does God vote Labour?

Analysis of canvass data doesn’t seem to give an adequate answer. We have a Mr and Mrs Gold, and a Mr Gode, but nothing on “God.”

But I do know of His work, and some of that gives me a bit of a clue as to his likely voting intentions.

I suppose his best known project would be the “creation of the Universe,” which he achieved in six days, taking Sunday off. We Liberal Democrats can knock of an entire edition of Focus in six days, so we share His values in that respect. But we like a bit of Sunday leafleting, so we probably wouldn’t win many votes letting that one slip.

God was the boss of that entire “Universe creation” project in fact, showing little regard for bureaucratic red-tape and planning regulations. That marks him out as a Conservative in my book. A bit of entrepreneurialism and the creation of a thriving small business out of nothing.

I suppose as the freehold owner for the entire known Universe he could also be regarded as one of the landed gentry. So maybe that’s another tick in the Tory box.

2-0 to the Conservatives.

God shows a few characteristics in common with Labour as well. After all, God was instrumental in the rise of the Trade Union movement which freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt. A bit of collective industrial action in the form of 10 plagues got around the appalling working conditions that our pyramid-builders were toiling in. And, like much of the 1980’s for Labour, there then followed a prolonged period in the desert wilderness for the Ancient Israelites too.

But then He strikes a blow for Liberal Democracy in terms of his work in the field of conservation. Taking special care over the ORIGINAL Eden Project, and then giving explicit orders to his underling Noah to preserve a breeding pair of all of the World’s species during his early wetlands experiments. As the party of the Environment, God is on our side here I’m sure.

God is clearly also a fan of alternative energy sources. His experiments in “parting” the Red Sea were clearly early probings into wave power, and many an insurance company have wriggled out of paying up citing His influence in all manner of accidents caused by potentially useful alternative energy sources (such as last week’s London tornado – was that just a freak accident, or God messing about with a celestial wind-turbine?). He also cleverly sited The Moon a mere quarter of a million miles away, close enough to enable tidal power to be used, but far enough away to stop Cleethorpes getting drowned twice a day.

He is also with us Lib Dems on long term care for the elderly. How else does one explain Methuselah living to be 969 years old and never once having to pay for Meals-on-Wheels?

Admittedly, his penchant for animal sacrifices in the early days isn’t going to thrill the policy wonks at the Lib Dem conference. But that has all stopped now. And if conclusive proof were needed of God’s Liberal Democracy, look no further than the Church. If God’s veins flow with blood that is actually wine, I am beginning to suspect that not only does he vote for us, but that he might actually do a pretty good job leading us too.

Which, if true, makes me ask Him, why oh why do you only let it rain when we want to deliver Focus?


But surely God's an American so doesn't vote in UK elections ;)
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